Who is what - everything you need to know about professions

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An actuary is someone who brings a bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

An archaeologist is a person who's career lies in ruins.

An architect is someone who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a person who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A chemical engineer is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A criminal is a guy no different from the rest. except that he got caught.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A doctor is a person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things they predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

An editor is a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.

A journalist is someone who spends 50% of the time not saying what they know and the other 50% of the time talking about things they don't know.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".

A mathematician is a blind person in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

A modern artist is someone who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

A philosopher is a person who doesn't have a job but at least understands why.

A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A psychologist is a person whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your spouse asks free of charge.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.

A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful women enters the room and everybody looks at her, looks at everybody.

A statistician is someone who is good at numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A topologist is a person who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A software engineer is the one who gets paid for reading this stuff.