English jokes

The groom

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding* down Main Street.

«But, officer,» the man began, «I can explain». «Just be quiet,» snapped the officer. «I’m going to let you cool your heels* in jail until the chief gets back.»

«But, officer, I just wanted to say…» «And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!»

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, «Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.» «Don’t count on it,» answered the fellow in the cell. «I’m the groom.»

*speed v. — мчаться, ехать очень быстро *cool someone’s heels — (досл. охладить кому-то пятки) охладить пыл

Mother’s view

As the family gathered for a big dinner together the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

«Oh, come on, quit joking,» snickered one. «You didn’t really do that, did you?» «You would never get through basic training,» scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, she simply asked, «Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?»

Joe is sick

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

«Hold it, hold it,» the fellow said to the men. «Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?»

«Well, we work for the county government,» one of the men said. «But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?»

«You don’t understand, mister,» one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.»

«Yea,» piped up Mike. «Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?»

*

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, «How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?» «Just send a bill for such advice» replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill.

That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

*

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture.

The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked,

«Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?»

«That is an extremely simple question,» he responded. «So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.»

*

A porter in a British hotel comes upon an American tourist impatiently jabbing at the button for the lift.

«Sir, the lift will be here in a moment.»

«Lift? Lift?» replies the American. «Oh, you mean the elevator.»

«No sir, here we call it a lift.» «Well, as it was invented in the United States, it’s called an elevator.»

«Yes sir, but as the language was invented here, it’s called a lift.»

*

The manager of a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

«What is your name?» was the first thing the manager asked him. «John,» the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, «Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only — Smith, Jones, Baker — that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?»

The new guy sighed and said, «Darling*. My name is John Darling.»

«Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…»

*darling — милый, дорогой, милашка

If Only Men Would Listen…

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, «PIG!» The man immediately leans out his window and replies, «BITCH!»

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…

A true story told by travel agent

A woman called and asked, «Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?»

I said, «No, why do you ask?» She replied, «Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?»

After putting her on hold for a minute while I «looked into it» (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained, that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle*.

«Why a thermos bottle?» the others asked. «Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.»

«Yes — so what?» «Think about it.» said the mystic reverently*. «That little bottle — how does it know?»

Breaking the Rules

«The female dormitory* will be out-of-bounds* for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule* will be fined* $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?»

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, «Er…* How much for a season pass?»

*dormitory — общежитие, спальня *out-of-bounds — разг. вне пределов чего-л. *breaking this rule — нарушающий это правило *will be fined — будет оштрафован *er — довольно употребительное междометие, выражающее колебание, нерешительность

источник http://fortee.ru/2012/04/25/english-jokes/