English culture

English culture

British Food

One thing that would probably cause a strike in any country is British food, particularly in most company canteens and restaurants, where everything is served with chips or ice-cream. Of course, British food isn’t always as bad as it’s painted by foreigners. (What can people who eat anything that crawls, jumps, swims or flies, possibly know about real food?). While it’s true that British food is often bland, may look terrible and can make you sick, for most people it’s just a matter of getting used to it. (What’s wrong with a diet of brown sauce, chips, biscuits and tea, anyway?). After all, it’s usually necessary to become acclimatised to the food in most foreign countries.

However, it’s difficult not to have some sympathy with foreigners who think that many British ‘restaurants’ should post health warnings and be equipped with an emergency medical centre. (There’s nothing wrong with British food that a good stomach pump cannot cure). It may come as a surprise to many foreigners to learn that British bookshops are bursting with cookery books and they aren’t all written by foreigners. The UK also has many popular television cookery programmes that usually feature eccentric (and excellent) chefs and scrumptious looking food. The British can console themselves with the knowledge that they (or some of them) at least know how to behave at the table, even if they don’t have much idea what to serve on it.

To compensate for their deficiencies in the kitchen, the British are famous for their love of wine (or anything alcoholic) and are among the world’s foremost (self-appointed) experts on the character and qualities of good wine, although they’re often better talkers than drinkers. In the UK, a wine may be described as having intense aromas and flavours of berries, bramble-jelly, morello cherries, peppery spices, mint, toffee and a hint of honey. The secret of dining in the UK is to drink a lot as, when you’re drunk, most food tastes okay. The British even make their own wine; not only home-brewed stuff made from elderberries and other strange fruit, but also real commercially-produced wine made from grapes! Although it isn’t exactly causing panic among continental wine producers, some of it’s quite palatable.

Sports

The British are sports mad, although most people confine their interest to watching or gambling rather than taking part. The British, or at least the English, are famous for their sense of fair play and playing by the rules – cheating is considered very bad form. Football (soccer) is the UK’s national sport and if we hadn’t taught all the other nations to play we might even be world champions. However, the real character and true sporting traditions of the English (other Brits have better things to do) are embodied in the game of cricket, a study of which provides a valuable insight into these strange islanders (and their attitude towards tea parties, religion, sex and foreigners). Foreigners may, at first, have a bit of difficulty understanding what cricket is all about (although it’s far easier to understand than British politics), but after a few decades, most get the hang of it (unlike British politics which remain a complete mystery). The first thing you must understand is that cricket is a game for gentlemen, embodying the great British traditions of fair play, honour and sportsmanship (except when played by Australians, who haven’t the remotest concept of these things).

It’s tempting (although fairly pointless) to make comparisons between cricket and a minority sport played in the US, called baseball. (The nearest equivalent in the UK is rounders, a sissy game played by girls). Imagine if you can, a baseball match that lasts five days with interminable breaks for breakfast, drinks, rain, streakers (naked runners), lunch, injuries, stray dogs, more rain, rest days, more drinks, tea, bad light, dinner, supper, and even more rain, and always ends in a draw (if not abandoned due to rain) – and you will have a rough idea what it’s all about. Despite the length of a cricket match, which varies from one to five days, it’s an enthralling and thrilling sport. On the rare occasions when things get just a teensy bit boring, there’s always something exciting to liven things up such as a newspaper blowing across the pitch, a stray dog or pigeon on the field or, on a good day, a streaker. The commentators do a sterling job and keep the audience spellbound with the most amazing and fascinating statistics and anecdotes about cricket’s legendary heroes.

The rules of cricket are a little complicated (Einstein’s theory of relativity is much easier to understand), so I won’t bore you by trying to explain them in detail (fascinating though they are). A cricket team consists of 11 players and a 12th man who has the most important job of all – carrying the drinks tray. He’s also sometimes called on to play when one of his team-mates collapses from frostbite or is overcome by excitement. Like baseball, one team bats and the other team attempts to get them out (or committed to hospital) by hurling a ball at the batsman’s head. The team in the field (not batting) stands around in set positions with peculiar names such as gulley, slips, short leg, square leg, long leg, peg leg, cover point, third man (they made a film about him), mid-off, mid-on and oddest of all – silly mid-off and silly mid-on. Only someone who’s a few pence short of a pound stands directly in front of a batsman as he’s about to hit a very hard ball in your direction at around 100mph (160kph).

When the bowler strikes the wicket or the batsman with the ball everyone shouts in unison “Howzat” (very loudly, on the assumption that the umpire is asleep, hard of hearing, short-sighted or all three). Cricketers play in a white uniform and the only colourful things about the game are the ball (red) and the language used by the batsman (blue) when he’s hit by the ball or when the umpire gives him out leg before wicket (lbw) to a ball that didn’t touch him, and in any case was a million miles away from the wicket. One of the unwritten rules of cricket is that the players (gentlemen) never argue with the umpire, no matter how shortsighted, biased and totally ignorant of the rules the idiot is.

The Aussies (Australians), whom everyone knows have no respect for tradition (and couldn’t give a XXXX for anything that doesn’t emanate from a tinny or a barrel), have attempted to brighten up the game’s image by dressing like clowns for one-day matches (yet another sacrilege to the old school). One of the worst mistakes the English ever made was to teach foreigners how to play cricket (or any other sport), as the ungrateful blighters get a sadistic delight from rubbing their mentors’ noses in the dirt. One of the problems with foreigners is that they have no concept of how gentlemen should behave and fail to realise that the real purpose of sport is taking part and nothing at all to do with winning. Gallant losers are feted as heroes in the UK and heroic defeats against overwhelming odds are infinitely preferable to easy (hollow) victories.

The secret of life

The secret of life in the UK is to maintain a sense of humour (and carry a big umbrella). Most Brits have a lively sense of humour and a keen sense of the ridiculous, which helps make life in the UK bearable. (The worst insult is to accuse someone of having no sense of humour). One of the things that endears the British most to foreigners is their ability to poke fun at themselves (the British don’t take themselves too seriously) and everyone else, as typified in TV programmes such as Monty Python and Dead Ringers. Nothing escapes the barbs of the satirists: from the Pope to the Prime Minister, the President of the US to the Royal Family, everyone is lampooned with equal affection.

It’s often difficult for foreigners to understand British humour or to recognise when someone is being serious or joking, although the subject at hand usually offers a clue. Generally, the more earnest or solemn the topic, the more likely they are to be joking. Amazingly, some foreigners think that the British have no sense of humour, usually Americans who don’t understand our subtle way with words and cannot understand real English anyway. Many foreigners believe the British are at least a little eccentric and, at their worst, stark staring bonkers.

Entertainment

The British enjoy superb entertainment, leisure, sports and cultural facilities, which for their sheer variety and accessibility are among the best in the world (but increasingly expensive). The quality and huge choice of goods in the shops is excellent and explains why many people travel from far and wide simply to shop in Britain. British television has no equal, national and local radio is excellent, and the country has an unrivalled choice of quality newspapers, magazines and literature. The UK is a caring society, highlighted by the abundance of charitable and voluntary organisations, unparalleled in any other country, all of which do invaluable work (nationally and internationally). The UK remains a centre of scientific excellence underlined by its number of Nobel prize-winners. It’s also one of the least corrupt and most civilised countries in the world.

The British have more freedom from government interference than the people of most countries to do, say and act any way they like, something most of them take for granted. The UK is still a great enlightened power (if a little frayed at the edges) and a positive influence in the world and London remains the centre of the English-speaking world. Whatever else it may be, life in the UK is spiritually, mentally and intellectually stimulating and rarely dull. Although foreigners may occasionally complain about Britain and the British weather, most feel they’re privileged to live there and wouldn’t dream of leaving.

Last, but certainly not least, there are the British people, who, although they can be infuriating at times, will charm and delight you with their sense of humour and idiosyncrasies. When your patience with the UK and the British is stretched to breaking point, simply take yourself off to the nearest pub and order a pint of ale or a large gin and tonic: the UK looks an even nicer place through the bottom of a (rose-tinted) glass, and, with a bit of luck, you won’t even notice that it’s still raining.

Long Live Britain! God Save the Queen!