English Humour

​The only one

A young teacher just beginning her career asks advice of an older member of the faculty: " What have you learned in your years of experience?"

" I've learned one thing. While you are giving a lesson in class, you often will find a pupil who always disagrees with you. Tell me, would you stop him and make him shut up?"

" I suppose I would."

"Well, don't. He's probably the only one who is listening to you."

*

A man was at a theatre. He was sitting behind two women whose continuous chatter annoyed him. Leaning forward, he tapped one of them on the shoulder. " Pardon me, madam," he said, " but I can't hear anything."

" You are not supposed to. This is a private conversation, " she said.

*

"Why have you never married ?" - someone asked an old man.

"When I was young I decided not to marry until I met the ideal woman," he answered. " Some years later I met her but she was looking for the ideal man."

*

An absent-minded man kept losing his hats, umbrellas, brief-cases and even coats. His wife was upset and spoke to a doctor about it.

" Doctor, do you think my husband can be cured?"

" Well, he can be given the treatment for loss of memory, but I think it will be more expensive than losing things."

*

" Mother, I've got a stomachache, " said the six-year-old Nellie.

" That's because your stomach is empty. You would feel better if you had something in it. You have been without your lunch."

That afternoon Uncle John called, and in conversation complained of a severe headache.

" That's because it's empty," said Nellie. " You would feel better if you had something in it."

*

A young woman visited America and bought a TV set for her family.

" Can't you buy a TV set in your own country?" - her friend asked her.

" Oh, yes, but American programmes are so much better than ours."

*

" Daddy, they say that Juliar Caesar could do three things at once and he did all of them well."

" Ha, forget about Juliar Caesar! I can do five things at once. I can read a newspaper, listen to your Mum, drink beer, watch TV and sleep at the same time!"

*

Tommy was very forgetful and inattentive. Finally, his father said angrily: " It seems to me that everything I say goes in one ear and out the other."

" Well," said Tommy thoughtfully, " I think that's what I've got two ears for."